A Little Humor in these Tough Times
Mike: Online dating will never be the same.
Adam: It’s not that bad. Tinder is all about swiping. Easy.
Mike: Right, but with Tinder I take professional photos, alter the lighting, or suck in the gut. I’ve perfected that strategy.
Adam: Ok so what’s different now?
Mike: During the epidemic, everyone prefers video chatting. I have to pay a stand-in to look good for me. I break the news to my dates later. Not easy, very expensive.
Megan: My new mask business is skyrocketing.
Tasha: I’ve seen the ones you buy and sell. They’re cheap and not the N95 type.
Megan: I know, but they still minimize the spread of infection.
Tasha: How do you know?
Megan: I just write [YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I HAVE, STAY BACK] on them.
Josh: Dude my grandma is gaming and does better than me.
Paul: How? You’ve been gaming for years.
Josh: I guess she joined some elite group and they give her all the secrets. I tried joining them but never got an invite.
Paul: But your grandma isn’t a high-level player.
Josh: She used a phone book to track them down, called with a landline, and baked them an apple pie that said virtual hug emoji.
Donna: Excuse me, what’s the gratuity charge for on my bill?
Waiter: Ma’am we automatically add that for everyone. For your bill the gratuity charge comes out to $5.25.
Donna: So it’s a forced gift, even though your restaurant wasn’t busy and I waited an hour outside in the rain for my burger and fries.
Waiter: Ma’am this applies to everyone.
Donna: Understood. Well cooking a burger and fries (when it’s not busy) shouldn’t take more than 20 minutes. Here’s a $50 gratuity charge for the time I spent waiting on you. Think of it as a forced gift. Applies to everyone remember?
Goliath: Hey David can we sort this out instead of fighting? I’d rather not squash you.
David: What do you recommend? I’d rather not get squashed.
Goliath: How about I put a mark on my forehead and pretend you bested me with that slingshot.
David: Good idea but will people believe it?
Goliath: Not at first, but we’ll spread the rumor. Just carve some hieroglyphics on a wall and social media (the village idiot) will handle the rest.
Ben: I think I can retire after delivering pizzas for 15 years.
Maria: That’s impossible. Pizza delivery doesn’t pay much.
Ben: No, but every college is online now. I’ll just pay someone in a cheaper country to take my classes until I get a degree.
Maria: How does that involve retirement?
Ben: That same person will work an online job for me after college. I’ll pay him and keep what’s left over. Spend the money on land and a house.
Maria. That’s actually a good plan; I’m impressed.
Ben: Pizza leads to the best ideas. That’s why we charge extra for deliveries.
Officer: I clocked you going 15 miles over the speed limit. Tell me why I shouldn’t give you a speeding ticket.
Patrick: I was trying to get rid of the COVID-19 virus.
Officer: Oh, so you have the virus? Were you heading to the hospital?
Patrick: Not quite, but the liquor store.
Officer: Read the news son. Alcohol consumption doesn’t prevent the virus.
Patrick: No, but I can give everyone in the hospital line a beer to cut in front of them.
Tony: I thought Netflix was cheap, but now there’s also Hulu, Amazon and Disney streaming. Combined, these all equal a regular cable bill.
Jackie: Just stick to one and keep your bill low.
Tony: Or I can persuade multiple friends to share their accounts. I only need 4 friends who will agree to sharing.
Jackie: And what happens when they realize you’re just friends because of access to their accounts.
Tony: Is there an app for explaining that to friends?
Tony: I see. Then I’ll also need a friend who develops apps.
Anna: So the Avengers traveled to the past in order to alter the future?
Anna: And somehow they successfully restored those who vanished in the future?
Anna: So even though they changed history, everything was the exact same except for those who were restored. No name changes, food changes, altered accents, or new inventions from changing history.
Anna: So not even a burp or fart would lead to these small changes, but somehow half the population was restored.
Bob: Just shut up and watch the movie!!!
Courtney: Your Airbnb property gets better reviews mine. But my house is fancier and has more bedrooms. What’s your secret?
Nicole: I try to 1-up you however I can as a friendly competition.
Courtney: I leave guests detailed info on nearby restaurants, put 5 pillows on each bed, and bought rainfall showerheads for each bathroom.
Nicole: I keep Frosted Flakes in the cabinet, put dollar store mints on each bed, and buy the toilet paper that has initials on it.
Courtney: I see.